I’m BaaaAAAAaaaaack!

It took me a long time to realize, what a blog was truly about.  And it isn’t really about promoting the latest clothing line, or promoting another blog, it’s about having an outlet.  And my outlet has always been a piece of paper and pen, until my hands started hurting.  And my idea of acceptance started changing.

 

I got engaged.

 

Excuse me, I got FUCKING engaged.

 

And I don’t cuss normally.  I don’t get overly excited, and I don’t overshare.  

 

But it’s time now.

 

Because my heart is overflowing  with a happiness, that I was uncertain I would ever obtain. Because I never knew peace, until I put this little gold band on my finger.  And Charles can tell you, that I didn’t know trust until that same day. 

 

And none of it was his fault, but I pinned it all on him.

Until now.

 

And now I know just exactly where I will end up.  And who will be there when I do.

 

And I know all the people that I want to share it with and who I want to leave behind.  And it’s all because of him.  And his one question.  5 words. 

 

Will you be my wife?

I hope we dance tonight. Before we get it wrong.

I’ve been very thankful lately. At peace. And a lot of times, I find myself looking around. Sensing that I am supposed to be here. Feeling it. Knowing it.

And of course, that makes me happy. And fills me with a lot less anxiety, than I am used to. Even though I am stuck at a new job, with a horrible schedule. Even though Fianna is acting out, like she wishes that we weren’t around sometimes. Even though nothing is perfect.

But I’ve never trusted perfect.

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January.Twenty.Twelve.

I feel happy.

I feel comfortable and at ease.

I feel different.

And for possibly, one of the first times in my life, I feel like everything is falling into place. Like this is where I am supposed to be, and this is what I’m supposed to be doing.

Falling in love every day.

And I feel so blessed. To know that I love and that I am loved. To know that I have a family now, that is separate from the one that I was given. To know that I am finally happy.

I am lucky.

I am thankful.

I am deserving.

Twenty Eleven.

In 2011, I stopped trying to bend and manipulate myself into these molds that people were making for me. With that, came some heart break, some fear, and some self exploration. Oh, and some disappointments. Because I suppose that making myself into the kind of person that I wanted to become, meant having certain expectations for the people around me. Meant believing that I was surrounding myself with the most positive of people. The kind of people that would treat me the way that I became so deserving of.

But things never work out that way. You love people so much that making excuses for them, becomes second nature. And there comes a point when you don’t even realize that you are doing that, at all. When your heart disconnects from your mind, and you’re left oblivious of the way that you truly feel.

I’ve felt betrayed. I’ve felt heart break that follows me around the world. I’ve felt worried that I wasn’t enough for someone else.

That I wasn’t good enough.

But then I started looking around. At the way that I make people feel. At the lies that I refuse to tell, and the love that I so easily give away. And I realized that it doesn’t really matter what other people think. Because I look at myself in the mirror every single day, and I see such a beautiful woman. No longer a scared, unimportant, little girl. A woman. And she is the best person that I could ever have hoped to become.

I’m proud of who I am. I’m deliriously happy with the things that I am going to accomplish. And I don’t need anything else. Because eventually, the people in your life, stop trying to impress you. They forget about the romance. They forget about what made you fall in love with them, as a person, in the first place. Eventually, they become resigned in the fact that you will love them.

And being the person that I am, I will love them. I will believe in them. I will support them and show them everything I see.

That is what makes me so beautiful.

That is what keeps me alive.

❤

Goodbye 2011.

I don’t regret anything about 2011. I don’t believe in regrets. But this year did teach me to be so thankful to the people that stuck around. And to be appreciative to all the love and opportunity that has been given to me. And although sometimes I wish I would have been better to people in my past, if I were, maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here today. At this computer. So many miles away from everything I know.

And I’m so amazed at the ways that I’ve changed this year. At the things that I’ve forgiven and for the things that I’ve been forgiven for. Which I think have shaped me into the kind of woman that I have always wanted to be.

The beauty and the chaos were everything I have ever wanted. And I got them. And now things are able to slow down. I am able to slow down.

I am able to trust and love and be loved. I am able to live.

2011 made me stronger and more self aware. It taught me to fight for what I want, and to never accept less than that. It taught me to be good to myself and the people that deserve the same from me. It taught me to apologize for bad behavior, but to never apologize for being me.

It taught me to become the kind of person that can be counted on. Loyal and deserving. Kind and trusting.

2011 made me happy.

2011 gave me awful truths and beautiful lies. But it gave me love.

And I couldn’t be happier with the place that I am at right now. With the people that are surrounding me.

I am so lucky.

Let’s see what you got, 2012.

xoxo.

Remember me?!

I’m sure that the three people that follow my blog, will be ecstatic to see that I finally remembered I had one. And it’s not that things have been too blah or too busy, I just didn’t feel like talking for a while. I didn’t feel like sharing, and then I didn’t know what to share, and then I had too much information that could possibly make all of you puke.

Oh, to be young and in love.

But I do assure you, that things keep happening in my world. Even if I don’t feel like sitting down in front of this computer screen and letting it all out.

Lately, most of my thoughts have been about moving back to LA. For different reasons this time. Or maybe for the same reasons, but different intentions. And I’m excited. And I’m obsessively thinking up all of these plans in my head. And I’m worrying.

But I have time now. Too much time, I think.

Things making me so HAPPY today:
The Chipster. Morning e-mails. Mothers Phd e-mail about clementines. Pizza. Chocolate milk. Modern Family. Ape House. Hot showers. Remembering to blog.

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Big Decisions.

I made a really important decision for myself today. One that I have been obsessing over for longer than just tonight. And I feel like I am so happy and content in this decision, that it must be right. And everything will work out. It has to work out.

But with this decision came all these other thoughts. The same ones that I force into the background of my brain all the time.

I asked my sister if I would be Reygan’s Godmother and she replied, without hesitation. No. Because God forbid, something happen to them, and she get stuck with me. God forbid, she end up like me.

And they can try to justify this decision and make these excuses, but I get it.

And my mother lives ten minutes down the street, but I get an e-mail once a month when my insurance money is due, telling me that she will come visit me at work and pick it up.

And my father can’t help me move because he spent all his money helping my sister do what she wants. What I want, is always too immature for him. It’s always the wrong decision. I’ll “regret it all” someday.

He just knows it.

But the most mature thing I have ever done, is wait. Wait for the perfect moment. The perfect time. Never settling. Always moving and changing and creating.

And now it’s time to go.

And they’ll probably cry when I drive away. I probably will too.

But we’ll all be better off. Because these things always come back to me. And it’s just too horribly sad to watch.

welp.

I haven’t been a very good blogger lately. With happiness comes silence, I suppose. And I guess it’s always been that way. But then I have to remind myself that these are the times that I WANT to remember. Not the days of shitty dudes and bad decisions.

And today, Charles asked me why I don’t write that much. If what I had to say would hurt his feelings, and that’s why I choose to keep quiet. But that’s not the case at all.

I guess the truth is, I’ve been so happy lately, that I’m slightly terrified that it will all go away.

I’ve never been so happy in regards to another human in my entire life. And with that, I am choosing to take this risk that he won’t leave me behind. That eventually he will decide that he can’t live without me. That he will physically NEED to be with me.

Because for now, most of the thoughts in my head seem so crazy. He has no obligation to me, so why do I feel like I can put so much trust in him? Why do I believe that he won’t find anyone more perfect than me?

My logical mind tries so hard to make sense of these things.

Because things happen that illogically bum me out. Like today, when he told me that he went on a date. And even though I expected that to happen eventually, it still caught me off guard. It still made me feel weird.

As if I have any ties to him. Any say.

And maybe that’s why I keep quiet. Because he doesn’t need to know that this doesn’t really make sense to me. And that I’ve never experienced these intense emotions that make me want to do crazy, albeit lovely things. Just to be around him. Just to be a little bit closer.

Ane he doesn’t need to know that I worry that two years is too long to be away.

He doesn’t need to know that when I get dramatic and apologize for it in the morning, it doesn’t take back the fact that I mean everything I say. That I feel everything I say. And that it’s possible for me to understand and believe in all his decisions, but not believe in them for me.

He doesn’t need to know that I can’t even make sense of it all.

So I keep quiet.

But since I know that I love him, I’d tell him everything he wants to know.

Everything.