I’m BaaaAAAAaaaaack!

October 21, 2013 § Leave a comment

It took me a long time to realize, what a blog was truly about.  And it isn’t really about promoting the latest clothing line, or promoting another blog, it’s about having an outlet.  And my outlet has always been a piece of paper and pen, until my hands started hurting.  And my idea of acceptance started changing.

 

I got engaged.

 

Excuse me, I got FUCKING engaged.

 

And I don’t cuss normally.  I don’t get overly excited, and I don’t overshare.  

 

But it’s time now.

 

Because my heart is overflowing  with a happiness, that I was uncertain I would ever obtain. Because I never knew peace, until I put this little gold band on my finger.  And Charles can tell you, that I didn’t know trust until that same day. 

 

And none of it was his fault, but I pinned it all on him.

Until now.

 

And now I know just exactly where I will end up.  And who will be there when I do.

 

And I know all the people that I want to share it with and who I want to leave behind.  And it’s all because of him.  And his one question.  5 words. 

 

Will you be my wife?

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I hope we dance tonight. Before we get it wrong.

September 10, 2013 § Leave a comment

I’ve been very thankful lately. At peace. And a lot of times, I find myself looking around. Sensing that I am supposed to be here. Feeling it. Knowing it.

And of course, that makes me happy. And fills me with a lot less anxiety, than I am used to. Even though I am stuck at a new job, with a horrible schedule. Even though Fianna is acting out, like she wishes that we weren’t around sometimes. Even though nothing is perfect.

But I’ve never trusted perfect.

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January.Twenty.Twelve.

January 23, 2012 § Leave a comment

I feel happy.

I feel comfortable and at ease.

I feel different.

And for possibly, one of the first times in my life, I feel like everything is falling into place. Like this is where I am supposed to be, and this is what I’m supposed to be doing.

Falling in love every day.

And I feel so blessed. To know that I love and that I am loved. To know that I have a family now, that is separate from the one that I was given. To know that I am finally happy.

I am lucky.

I am thankful.

I am deserving.

Twenty Eleven.

January 14, 2012 § Leave a comment

In 2011, I stopped trying to bend and manipulate myself into these molds that people were making for me. With that, came some heart break, some fear, and some self exploration. Oh, and some disappointments. Because I suppose that making myself into the kind of person that I wanted to become, meant having certain expectations for the people around me. Meant believing that I was surrounding myself with the most positive of people. The kind of people that would treat me the way that I became so deserving of.

But things never work out that way. You love people so much that making excuses for them, becomes second nature. And there comes a point when you don’t even realize that you are doing that, at all. When your heart disconnects from your mind, and you’re left oblivious of the way that you truly feel.

I’ve felt betrayed. I’ve felt heart break that follows me around the world. I’ve felt worried that I wasn’t enough for someone else.

That I wasn’t good enough.

But then I started looking around. At the way that I make people feel. At the lies that I refuse to tell, and the love that I so easily give away. And I realized that it doesn’t really matter what other people think. Because I look at myself in the mirror every single day, and I see such a beautiful woman. No longer a scared, unimportant, little girl. A woman. And she is the best person that I could ever have hoped to become.

I’m proud of who I am. I’m deliriously happy with the things that I am going to accomplish. And I don’t need anything else. Because eventually, the people in your life, stop trying to impress you. They forget about the romance. They forget about what made you fall in love with them, as a person, in the first place. Eventually, they become resigned in the fact that you will love them.

And being the person that I am, I will love them. I will believe in them. I will support them and show them everything I see.

That is what makes me so beautiful.

That is what keeps me alive.

Goodbye 2011.

January 1, 2012 § Leave a comment

I don’t regret anything about 2011. I don’t believe in regrets. But this year did teach me to be so thankful to the people that stuck around. And to be appreciative to all the love and opportunity that has been given to me. And although sometimes I wish I would have been better to people in my past, if I were, maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here today. At this computer. So many miles away from everything I know.

And I’m so amazed at the ways that I’ve changed this year. At the things that I’ve forgiven and for the things that I’ve been forgiven for. Which I think have shaped me into the kind of woman that I have always wanted to be.

The beauty and the chaos were everything I have ever wanted. And I got them. And now things are able to slow down. I am able to slow down.

I am able to trust and love and be loved. I am able to live.

2011 made me stronger and more self aware. It taught me to fight for what I want, and to never accept less than that. It taught me to be good to myself and the people that deserve the same from me. It taught me to apologize for bad behavior, but to never apologize for being me.

It taught me to become the kind of person that can be counted on. Loyal and deserving. Kind and trusting.

2011 made me happy.

2011 gave me awful truths and beautiful lies. But it gave me love.

And I couldn’t be happier with the place that I am at right now. With the people that are surrounding me.

I am so lucky.

Let’s see what you got, 2012.

xoxo.

Remember me?!

August 20, 2011 § 1 Comment

I’m sure that the three people that follow my blog, will be ecstatic to see that I finally remembered I had one. And it’s not that things have been too blah or too busy, I just didn’t feel like talking for a while. I didn’t feel like sharing, and then I didn’t know what to share, and then I had too much information that could possibly make all of you puke.

Oh, to be young and in love.

But I do assure you, that things keep happening in my world. Even if I don’t feel like sitting down in front of this computer screen and letting it all out.

Lately, most of my thoughts have been about moving back to LA. For different reasons this time. Or maybe for the same reasons, but different intentions. And I’m excited. And I’m obsessively thinking up all of these plans in my head. And I’m worrying.

But I have time now. Too much time, I think.

Things making me so HAPPY today:
The Chipster. Morning e-mails. Mothers Phd e-mail about clementines. Pizza. Chocolate milk. Modern Family. Ape House. Hot showers. Remembering to blog.