March 31, 2010 § Leave a comment
I think I wish that I had a really good girl friend. Someone that I hung out with all the time. Who was there for everything. I used to have that. With a few different people. But lately, eh.
I think I just need someone that gets the way that my mind works. In a way that none of my dude friends would everrrrrr understand. Ha.
On another note, I had my first beer in two weeks tonight. So refreshing.
And looking at Bruno makes me realize that really nothing in the world can suck that bad, with him around.
And I’m happy for this little ball of kitten love for loving me more than anything else in this house.
And no, I’m not drunk.
March 29, 2010 § Leave a comment
I didn’t expect an apology
Or a goodbye
Not this time
Not when the slamming of your door
Still rings in my ears
But I hope that you are sorry
For running into my life
With a bomb strapped to your body
Prepared to blow up
Every good thing in sight
And I hope that you feel remorse
For the intense way
That you made my body shake
In a bed that was far too big
For what you broke
And I hope that one day
Your heart hurts as bad as mine did
When I found myself
Standing in the rubble
Of what used to be
A pretty amazing life
Of what used to be
Everything to me.
So I found this tonight. Tucked into my notebook. And it made me laugh kind of, at how much things can change in such a small amount of time. At how things can seem so life-altering and important and then fade so quickly into the background.
Because after I found that, I re-read something that I wrote last night…
For a while there
I was convinced
That I wouldn’t be able
To breathe without you
And the hollow feeling
In my small chest
Only proved that
With more intensity than necessary
Until I realized
That there was absolutely nothing
I could do
To change things
To change you
And now that you are content
With your hatred
I am content with my life
With the way my breath
Comes out easily enough
Ever since the hollow feeling
In my small chest
And I realized
That I would breathe just fine
So I guess even if he came running into my life with the intention of blowing everything apart, he never really held that much weight. I was the one with all the power. I just wanted to give him the blame. I guess a lot of things just seem to be falling into place for me lately. A lot of things are just now starting to make so much sense.
On another note, I took a bath tonight. Just me, my headphones, and my thoughts. And it was nice until I started sweating uncontrollably. I guess I just wanted to be alone.
Top Ten things that are Happy to me at the moment =
1. Moving to LA.
2. Getting better!
3. Eating way too much ice cream.
4. Tegan being IN LOVE with her mom.
5. Bruno snores.
6. Writing AGAIN.
7. Sons of Anarchy (Jackson meowww)
8. Sticking up for myself.
9. Half sleeve ideas.
10. Bella and Edward. And Jacob.
March 26, 2010 § Leave a comment
So I’ve decided. It’s time for a change of scenery…for at least three months. And I won’t take any of my baggage outside of Michigan. Won’t think about the people that don’t think about me. Won’t care about the people that don’t care about me. I will just leave. Be free.
And don’t get me wrong. I’m happy and (dare I say?!) content in my skin right now. And I realized today that I have amazing and talented people in my life that should be the main focus of these rants anyway. Who cares that he moved on in cyberspace, or he forgets my name over state lines, or she was too selfish to fully understand that I exist?! I don’t. Not anymore.
Because I have some of the best friends in the world. Ones that will help me merge my life with theirs 3,000 miles away from here. Ones that make me laugh and tell me that my heart would taste like skittles. Ones that open up parts of their own lives, so that I don’t seem so fucked up.
I’m amazed. And humbled.
For things are never going to be that bad for me. And if they are, I’m one of the toughest bitches I know.
March 25, 2010 § 1 Comment
The other day I woke up in the middle of the night hysterically crying and begging God to help me. It just seemed funny that I thought that a man that I’ve never even met, could help me. Nobody could have helped me.
And no, I wasn’t crying over some man (boy). The pain I felt in my head was unbearable. Worthy of asking God to step in and help.
But I feel somewhat better now. Now, I think I will survive.
But I guess it just got me thinking about faith. Or the faith that I put in others, rather. Because I have always been the one to be so incredibly loyal. To take people back into my life that have wronged me, or treated me bad. And it seems like that is a reoccurring theme the last couple of years. I either get rid of one horrible person and gain another, or I let the same parasitic people feed off of me over and over again. It’s really sad. And to some extent I know that it isn’t healthy and that I should change things, but I won’t. I become content so often in mediocracy that it’s almost unnerving. Because to be me, is something that I have always been proud of. Even at my weakest of moments. Even when I think that everything sucks.
And as far as the men in my life. Oh man. I see what I do, I really really do. I see the patterns, but I do nothing to stop it. When people say that girls always choose the person that is wrong for them (the bad boys), I am that walking cliche. And that’s the one thing about myself that I am destined to change. After my last relationship ended because of my horrible and self destructive behavior, I really looked at who I was. And the reflection in the mirror, made me sick. I am not that person. I never should have claimed to be.
So I’ve chosen to stay single. And I’m actually truly happy with that decision. And eventually I will turn my back on all of the dudes that came into my life without good intentions. All the dudes that think they know me because I make THEM feel good. Because they don’t make me feel good. Ever.
And that only just now, made me feel sad.
But honestly, I’m so much better off now. I’m a beautiful girl with a big heart and so much passion and hope and love to give out. And some day…
March 13, 2010 § Leave a comment
I guess you could say that I’ve occasionally lost my mind a little. Or I’ve at the very least, done things to imply that. But it truly wasn’t about hurting anyone this time. Or pissing anyone off.
I’ve just become the kind of person that gets drunk and steals cats. Dammit.
And at first I felt bad and I apologized and I offered up solutions. But the horrible cluster of words that he threw my way, made me sick. And although it was so incredibly relieving to know that I would never love him again, I wished that I still had a little bit of good to hold on to.
And when I look back now, I will forget everything good about him. I will forever only remember the things he called me. And how he told me to die. And how he told me that I was the biggest mistake he ever made. And how he told me that I don’t exist.
But I can’t complain, I’ve been asking him to pretend I was dead for a month.
March 9, 2010 § Leave a comment
I can’t understand why there’s still “nothing else at all.”
March 9, 2010 § 1 Comment
Waking up on someone else’s couch doesn’t seem to hold the same appeal that it used to. And a lot of times I wish that I could just grow up. Find a job that suits my personality. One that prevents me from drinking so much, and in turn, smoking so much.
And a lot of times, I wish that I was strong enough to move myself away from this place and all it’s temptations. And all of my past. Eh. So for the past week, I have been thinking about moving to LA for the summer. And trying to find a job that doesn’t involve the white trash of America. But I always end up justifying why I should stay home because I am terrified of change. At least any major changes.
Which would probably explain why I settle for this mediocrity.