So hold onto your heart. And pretend it’s alright.
March 6, 2010 § 1 Comment
About two months ago, I got a tattoo that takes up the upper part of my arm. Words written by a boy that used to think the world of the fucked up person that I used to be. Words that at the time, proved to be the only thing that made any sense to me. And ever since that night, I have been trying so desperately to wash those words from my skin. From my life.
And I was pretty sure that once I put my mind to it, and my heart behind it, I would succeed in “getting over it.” And in so many ways, I was correct in that assumption. In so many ways, I have pushed myself so far away from him, that I am not even sure if I would recognize the boy he used to be.
And I am so proud of myself for taking the time to figure out who I wanted to become without him. And I am so proud of myself for being able to admit all of my faults and all of my strengths. Because when I look back now, I wasn’t that horrible of a person. I was just grasping for something that I believed to be bolted down. But nothing is forever. Everybody is capable of breaking a heart. Everybody.
And to realize that the mind numbing pain in my chest was something that came with falling in love, was humbling to say the least. And although the way that I cried and freaked out just a few months before today was terrifying, it made me truly believe in myself today. It made me take my life back. So for that, and for many other things, I will always be thankful to the man that broke my heart. And the boy that made me break it myself.
So yes, I have a tattoo that takes up the upper part of my arm. For someone that I will probably never speak to again. And yes, I have been trying so hard to wash it away. But now I love it with all of my heart. Now, I see what it represents. The transformation from a scared little girl to the woman I plan to become.
I can do anything. Be anything. And I can do it alone.
I promise him that.
“I’ve tried to get you out of my head but I can’t seem to get you out of my flesh.” -Jeanette Winterson