So hold onto your heart. And pretend it’s alright.

March 6, 2010 § 1 Comment

About two months ago, I got a tattoo that takes up the upper part of my arm.  Words written by a boy that used to think the world of the fucked up person that I used to be.  Words that at the time, proved to be the only thing that made any sense to me.  And ever since that night, I have been trying so desperately to wash those words from my skin.  From my life.

And I was pretty sure that once I put my mind to it, and my heart behind it, I would succeed in “getting over it.”  And in so many ways, I was correct in that assumption.  In so many ways, I have pushed myself so far away from him, that I am not even sure if I would recognize the boy he used to be.

And I am so proud of myself for taking the time to figure out who I wanted to become without him.  And I am so proud of myself for being able to admit all of my faults and all of my strengths.  Because when I look back now, I wasn’t that horrible of a person. I was just grasping for something that I believed to be bolted down.  But nothing is forever.  Everybody is capable of breaking a heart.  Everybody.

And to realize that the mind numbing pain in my chest was something that came with falling in love, was humbling to say the least.  And although the way that I cried and freaked out just a few months before today was terrifying, it made me truly believe in myself today.  It made me take my life back.  So for that, and for many other things, I will always be thankful to the man that broke my heart.  And the boy that made me break it myself.

So yes, I have a tattoo that takes up the upper part of my arm.  For someone that I will probably never speak to again.  And yes, I have been trying so hard to wash it away.  But now I love it with all of my heart.  Now, I see what it represents.  The transformation from a scared little girl to the woman I plan to become.

I can do anything.  Be anything.  And I can do it alone.

I promise him that.

“I’ve tried to get you out of my head but I can’t seem to get you out of my flesh.” -Jeanette Winterson

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§ One Response to So hold onto your heart. And pretend it’s alright.

  • Lisa says:

    so true. EVERYONE is capable of breaking a heart. we all have done it. I love how you feel capable on your own, i love that you are owning this situation, and making it have a positive impact on yourself. you are being so strong! I ADMIRE YOU!!!!

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