In a man’s world I am a woman by birth.
March 25, 2010 § 1 Comment
The other day I woke up in the middle of the night hysterically crying and begging God to help me. It just seemed funny that I thought that a man that I’ve never even met, could help me. Nobody could have helped me.
And no, I wasn’t crying over some man (boy). The pain I felt in my head was unbearable. Worthy of asking God to step in and help.
But I feel somewhat better now. Now, I think I will survive.
But I guess it just got me thinking about faith. Or the faith that I put in others, rather. Because I have always been the one to be so incredibly loyal. To take people back into my life that have wronged me, or treated me bad. And it seems like that is a reoccurring theme the last couple of years. I either get rid of one horrible person and gain another, or I let the same parasitic people feed off of me over and over again. It’s really sad. And to some extent I know that it isn’t healthy and that I should change things, but I won’t. I become content so often in mediocracy that it’s almost unnerving. Because to be me, is something that I have always been proud of. Even at my weakest of moments. Even when I think that everything sucks.
And as far as the men in my life. Oh man. I see what I do, I really really do. I see the patterns, but I do nothing to stop it. When people say that girls always choose the person that is wrong for them (the bad boys), I am that walking cliche. And that’s the one thing about myself that I am destined to change. After my last relationship ended because of my horrible and self destructive behavior, I really looked at who I was. And the reflection in the mirror, made me sick. I am not that person. I never should have claimed to be.
So I’ve chosen to stay single. And I’m actually truly happy with that decision. And eventually I will turn my back on all of the dudes that came into my life without good intentions. All the dudes that think they know me because I make THEM feel good. Because they don’t make me feel good. Ever.
And that only just now, made me feel sad.
But honestly, I’m so much better off now. I’m a beautiful girl with a big heart and so much passion and hope and love to give out. And some day…