April 30, 2010 § Leave a comment
I find myself being so angry. So unlike me. Because he barged back into my life with no intention of sticking around. He forced himself back into my mind. When I was content with him hating me. With him being gone. For good.
And I was okay. I promise you I was.
But I’m not anymore.
And I don’t understand why he did that. To get back at me? So late?
To make sure that I didn’t forget about him? I promised him I never would.
And I wish that I could forgive him for that night. For the texts that he had no business sending to me. But I don’t think I ever will. Because he said that I was his whole life. When he already started a new one with her. He told me that he wished I was there. He told me that things with this new girl were going downhill fast.
And I will never forgive him for lying.
And I am so embarrassed by the things that I have done to try to get his attention. For asking for help. For crying too much and too frequently. For everything.
And the only hope through all the bullshit is the fact that I am going to leave this place behind. For at least a little while. That I am going to grab my life back. That I am going to do things that make me happy. Things that won’t even necessarily just be “good for me.”
And this will be the last time I vent out about him.
Nobody will ever hear me yell out for him. Never again.
This can’t be who I am now.
April 5, 2010 § Leave a comment
I’m not sure if I was happier with the hate, or the love. But the minute that text message fell into my unsuspecting hands, I was done. Because that hate kept me so far away that I almost forgot how to even think about it. I almost forgot about him. And now that my mind is so far fucked, I am not sure how to even move forward.
Because I am pretty sure that I wasn’t lying when I vowed to be “over it.” I’m pretty sure that at that moment, I was okay. And now…
And I am so torn on how to act, that I don’t even know who I am anymore. And it takes so much more self control to hold myself back from telling him I love him, than it did to hate him.
And I’m in a mess now. I guess, of my own making. For loving and losing and never wanting to move on.