July 28, 2010 § Leave a comment
Well I have been in LA for almost two months. And the day that I realized that I could never live here in the heat and the filth, was the same day that I stopped trying to find a job. So I’ve been hanging out. Painting and writing and spending money that I don’t have to spend. But it’s been so great. So perfect. Because I was such a mopey and self destructive asshole before I left. And I just wanted some time to figure out what was wrong with me. And what was motivating me to act out in strange ways.
And I finally did.
I have spent hours writing down and just seriously thinking about my life. And what kind of person I truly was. All judgements and shit talk aside. And I’m not the type of person I chose to be because my heart was broken. Or the crazy stumbling drunk girl.
I’ve drank like 4 or 5 times since I’ve been here. All within reason. All fun. No harm done.
And everything feels good.
And even though the last couple of weeks I have been so incredibly anxious about going home. To face all the people I wronged. To face all the people that have wronged me. I am ready now.
To go home. To grow up.
And I guess I’m just really proud of myself. For not stressing out when I didn’t get a job. For charging up my credit card. For just relaxing and doing what I should have done a long time ago.
Living. Being free.
So that now when I go home. I can be someone worth someone else’s time. So I can find some people that are worth mine. And love the ones that were from the beginning.