September 27, 2010 § Leave a comment
The minute I pushed send, I felt my chest cave in on itself. As though this heart was keeping everything intact. And I read the words out loud to myself, to make sure that everything was delivered correctly, until my voice started to crack. Until my eyes threatened me with tears, that weren’t meant for me this time around. So I stopped long enough to catch my breath and convince myself that this was the most mature decision I would make all year.
And I guess I should be so proud of myself. For doing what’s right. For me. For Him. For us.
I just don’t feel like being happy about it today. I don’t feel like much of anything.
So goodnight world. I’m going to go sleep this away. And go to work to distract this away. Then go out to hide this away. Behind fake laughter. And smiles that will convince even me.
I know that I’m dramatic, but I feel dramatic tonight.
Like someone pulled out the rug while I was running towards something that I loved.
“Wait for the year to drown. Spring forward. Fall back down. I’m trying not to wonder where you are.”
September 22, 2010 § Leave a comment
She knows how naive and crazy she is to continue carrying on like this. To make promises and build false hope, with a man she has no entitlement to. She knows that running away from this would be the healthiest choice, but she’s never done anything right.
Her friends were envious of her in a way. Convinced that she had magic between her legs. But what is there to be envious of? Her longest relationship ended years ago. Leaving scars and bruises on her skin that have never been visible to the blind eye. And now? Now she’s in love with the unattainable and sleeping with someone else to fill the void.
That’s hardly fair. To anyone.
But she’ll do it just the same. Hiding her heart behind bright red camouflage. Holding out for change. For a passion that breaks her bones and rips her chest open. Revealing a big beating heart.
It’s not broken anymore. It’s free.
Come take it.
No, not you. Not you. Not you.
Come take it.
What is there to be envious about? That she was easy to love? That she had her share of swooning men?
Where were they when she woke up, packed up her car, and left everything she loved behind? Everything she searched this planet for before those last two weeks, was discovered.
Too late? Too soon?
She was never on time. It made perfect sense now.
But they were right…
Because she’ll always have the memories. All of L.A. lit up as though asking her to stay. The Hollywood signs. Dirty motels. The smell of exhaust. Forbidden love. The sound of pure laughter. The feeling only a child experiences on Christmas morning. Honesty.
The good with the bad. The happiness with the discontent. She remembers it all. She drinks it in. Feeds on it.
They were right. They should be envious.
It just took her so long to realize that she was alive.
“Whether maybe, strangest possibility of all, it was that love between a man and a woman happened to them all this way, was born full-grown from the copulation of a chance situation with a meaningless coincidence.”
September 20, 2010 § Leave a comment
It seems so strange to me that I was such a bummer of a person, just a few short months ago. Sadness seems like such a foreign feeling to me at the moment. Right now, the rose petal glasses are firmly attached to my face. And occasionally my thoughts nauseate even me. But I have to remember, that this is a good thing. Happiness is good.
No matter how fucked certain situations are.
And last night a boy kissed me in a dark parking lot. With the world in his pocket. No ulterior motives. No future plans. Just kissed me with his eyes closed. Told me that I was pretty. Walked me to my car. And said goodnight.
I forgot what that was like. Because the week before I came home, my past came crawling out from the shadows. Probably expecting me to run blindly back into what we left behind. Because I cried when we broke up and freaked out a
little LOT. And I’m sure that he figured that my heart was still his for the taking. That I couldn’t possibly get over him. But I had to. I had to open myself up to the possibility that someone could actually love me. Me, the mess of a girl (woman).
And two more old friends came back to tell me that they forgave me for mistakes I already forgave myself for. And it made me realize that I am a forgiving person. Loyal to a fault. But I make horrible mistakes sometimes. I do things that are bad for me. But I don’t regret anything. Ever. Because what’s the point of living if you can’t learn? Most importantly from yourself. What’s the point of living if you can’t go a little crazy once in a while?
Those things are not necessarily bad traits to possess.
Because those very things made me such a better human to have around. Less judgmental. More real.
And I feel so happy lately I could run around this town and hug strangers. But I won’t. I can’t.
And my horoscope is so amazing this week…
CAPRICORN: You are at a point where whatever you’ve been called to release into the past is ready to go. For a while, letting it go will make you feel torn about where your life needs to remain focused. New things have come about and you’re ready to go after them. The old stuff seems to be more like an anchor, or a crutch, and the only thing that keeps you tending to it is guilt or the belief that it’s still your job to handle it. Whoever or whatever you’ve been nurturing all these years doesn’t need you anymore — not as much anyway. Set yourself free. It’s time to move on with your life.
Things making me Happy lately…
Kitten stalkers. Feelings puh-retty. White trash karaoke. Old friends. Pug/kitten wars. Ranch dressing. Saved voicemails. From Here to Eternity. My stories. Stefen Salvatore. Mother/Father dinner time. Welcome home presents. Bike rides. Fall. Pulling out the bat purse. My own bed. Textlove. John Shea’s selective dementia. Bird friends. “Well you’re really pretty.”
And just the overpowering feeling to Squeeeeeakeeeeeeeek.
Yeah, I’m a total faggot.
September 18, 2010 § Leave a comment
Lately, I’ve been escaping to these alternate realities in my head. In his head. And even if I know better than to be hopeful. Or naive. I enjoy the way that these fictional places make me feel.
That “heaven” isn’t that far away from Michigan. And that someday, someone will bring this out of me again. Because now I know that I am capable of it. I know that it is possible for me to love and be loved with so much fire that it flips my world upside down. And I know that there are people in this world that look at me and see so much more than the waitress in the burger place. That see light and love inside my eyes.
I stopped knowing what that was like so long ago, that I didn’t think it existed. I’m not even sure if it ever existed, without drama and pain attached to the end of it. Not before such a short time ago.
And maybe that’s why I can confidently tell Dana that she is going to be okay. That her heart will heal and be placed back inside her chest. Intact. That someday when she’s just minding her own business, someone is going to walk into her life without intentions or motives, and leave her with hope again. With love.
And it will probably be more intense than anything she has ever felt.
It was more intense than anything I have ever felt.
So that is why I will daydream. When I’m alone. When I’m in crowded places.
It reminds me that I’m alive. It reminds me that I am okay. And beautiful. And full of so much promise.
It reminds me of what I discovered in my heart.
September 17, 2010 § Leave a comment
So I was thinking today (because someone else put it in my head) about whether or not we ever find “the ONE.” That thought has never been more terrifying before today. And it’s not that I am afraid that I will never find him. Believe me. It’s the thought that I could be content and then eventually have my world turned upside down, by someone completely different. And maybe that is why I am terrified of commitment. Why I usually don’t believe in people’s “Love.” Maybe that is why I trust so frequently, but love so completely on my own.
But knowing that there is someone across this world, that I physically connect with on so many levels, is so frustrating/beautiful. Because it makes me believe that eventually, I will find someone that will fulfill me in ways that I never imagined I was capable of. And I will find someone that will (like Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire) complete me. I was always so completely convinced that it didn’t exist, before so recently. And I am so happy that I am finally aware that it exists, yet so sad that I found it with someone that can’t be a part of my life.
But just knowing. Knowing that I have that passion in me. Knowing I have that light and that fire, makes me so hopeful for the future. So alive.
So regardless of my heart. Or how old I convince myself I am getting…I am going to find another man to love me. With such heat. Such intensity. And I am going to latch on to that with such an incredible grip, that nobody will be able to pry it open.
I promise myself that.
“I’m in love with the world. Through the eyes of a girl. Who’s still around the morning after.” -Elliott Smith.
September 16, 2010 § Leave a comment
I finally got up the courage to ask Carl to leave me alone. Beg even. And I hope that when he reads the words that I wrote, he will listen. He will go away.
Because I have no desire to know him anymore. I have no desire to have him know me.
Like I said, I was okay without him. I was happier without him.
So goodbye dude. It’s been real. Horrible.
On another note, I have been so happy lately that I could scream. But I can’t let anybody hear it. And some things, I want to just be mine. And last night, I had a lot of fun with three of my best girl friends. And my best dude friend. And for a while, I didn’t notice that I was missing
anything anyone else.
And I feel so happy to have people in my life that are so inspiring. To have people that love me no matter what.
To have a best friend that says things like “you need to look in the mirror more and realize how pretty you are.”
And even though the Jameson headache made me want to die today, I still felt good. It’s been a while.
Things making me happy today:
Video e-mails. Tegan love. Bruno snores. Polish food. Southall’s funny texts. My sister. Laughing at my dad. Laughing with my dad about Jimmy Johns. From here to Eternity. Haunted. E-mails with Londy on FB. Hole up. Smash. Closure. Textlove. Catching up on my stories. Laughing. John Shea phone calls. Beulah. Blogs.
<3. "Glad I didn't die before I met you."
September 14, 2010 § Leave a comment
So Carl’s going to be a dad. And I can’t say that I’m sad about it. Or jealous. Or upset.
But my chest feels strange sometimes. And I want to shake him. To convince him to
finally leave me alone. And occasionally I feel pretty fucking angry at him.
Because the other day, he texted me. Drunk. Because he broke up with his
boygirlfriend. And he wanted me to know that he never got over me. That he misses me. That he needs me in his life.
But I already got used to not having him in mine. For a long time there, I felt nothing.
I miss El Ay. And sometimes I daydream about never leaving there. But I know that wouldn’t have been good. For anyone. But I miss John Shea. And <3.
Things making me Happy today:
Tegan. Pug. Getting to see Smash, Dana, and LP. Clean rooms. Mirror pictures. Lovetext. John Shea. From Here to Eternity. Lovetapes. Loving touch tonight! Kissing Scott’s face. MI weather. Shower.