It’s been a while.

September 6, 2010 § 1 Comment

Two weeks ago, I called my father and explained to him the disgust I felt about this place. About how dirty everything is. About how important everyone thinks they are. And I cried so hard that my world felt like it was off balance.

I guess I just wanted to go home. Where I loved and was loved. Where I had “friends” and friends. And family. Where my best friend could make me laugh, even when Bruno’s pug snorts didn’t do the trick. I just wanted. Anything other than this.

And I guess now, looking back, I am not sure if I should have stayed. Realistically. Because I’m so incredibly mind fucked, that I’m not sure I could make sense out of anything right now.

But I do know, that I found my heart again in this town that I loathe. I found myself. I found hope and fear wrapped up in the most beautiful package. And if things were different, my mouth wouldn’t be closed so tightly now. I wouldn’t be speaking in a vagueness that nobody can understand. And I would be happier.

I think.

But it’s terrifying to know that I have the capacity to feel this way. Again. That what I avoid, will inevitably find me. That sometimes the most beautiful things in my life, are found in the most shocking places.

I feel too much. Far more than I deserve. Far more than I should have ever gotten my hands on.

And the worse part, is I don’t know if I should consider myself lucky. Or cursed.

But I convinced myself that I should live everyday like it was the last one I would have. And it helped me justify taking what I want. For liking what I took. For wanting more.

So I did.

But then I wanted more. And felt more.

So I’ll spend 34 hours in a car, overanalyzing all the decisions I made. And remembering all the best parts and all the insignificant at the same time. And missing the one thing, I shouldn’t have known about in the first place. But I will miss it all just the same.

But don’t feel sorry for me. I’ll be smiling.
And my heart will be beating.
And my hands will be shaking.

Because I loved.

And someday, I will be loved. In this exciting way. In this intense way. And the chemistry will be intoxicating. And everything about it will be new to me all over again. And it will make me both happy and sad at all the right times. And I will be thankful to the one that made me realize that it’s in the universe still.

Hope.

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§ One Response to It’s been a while.

  • Joseph Mary Plunkett says:

    I wish I could tell you what you deserve to hear. That I had the courage to admit, out loud, how I feel. Perhaps if I had that courage, I would not have been here to begin with.

    Emotion so strong, it hurts. So much I buried away, crawling to the surface. The skin on my face trembles, my muscles tense, by the end of the day my back is exhausted, my neck sore, because you do not allow me a moment alone, even though you are nowhere around.

    I am seated at a restaurant, with my back to the window, a busy street bustling on the other side of the tinted glass. I cannot breathe, because the feelings you have dredged up from within me come with their own ghosts. My knuckles are white, and I need to move my seat to a corner, tight against a wall, where nobody can get behind me. I bury my face in my hands and try not to weep from fear.

    At times, I gain control of myself. But then I seem cold to you, and I don’t ever want you to feel as if you are anything but my world. To open those emotions lets the others free. I’m 21 again and I’m receiving a phone call, another friend killed in action. The scene repeats itself year after year. Every year I get colder, and the calls get easier.

    With all this pain beneath the surface I hurt. I hurt so bad, but I feel it is worth it. The love I have felt is so strong that I am willing to hate myself for the rest of my life, if it means that I was happy as a young teenager again, when I began to feel that it was all past me, and that my life was to be smothered in routine.

    I am sorry I cannot tell you this in person.

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