It’s been a while.
September 6, 2010 § 1 Comment
Two weeks ago, I called my father and explained to him the disgust I felt about this place. About how dirty everything is. About how important everyone thinks they are. And I cried so hard that my world felt like it was off balance.
I guess I just wanted to go home. Where I loved and was loved. Where I had “friends” and friends. And family. Where my best friend could make me laugh, even when Bruno’s pug snorts didn’t do the trick. I just wanted. Anything other than this.
And I guess now, looking back, I am not sure if I should have stayed. Realistically. Because I’m so incredibly mind fucked, that I’m not sure I could make sense out of anything right now.
But I do know, that I found my heart again in this town that I loathe. I found myself. I found hope and fear wrapped up in the most beautiful package. And if things were different, my mouth wouldn’t be closed so tightly now. I wouldn’t be speaking in a vagueness that nobody can understand. And I would be happier.
But it’s terrifying to know that I have the capacity to feel this way. Again. That what I avoid, will inevitably find me. That sometimes the most beautiful things in my life, are found in the most shocking places.
I feel too much. Far more than I deserve. Far more than I should have ever gotten my hands on.
And the worse part, is I don’t know if I should consider myself lucky. Or cursed.
But I convinced myself that I should live everyday like it was the last one I would have. And it helped me justify taking what I want. For liking what I took. For wanting more.
So I did.
But then I wanted more. And felt more.
So I’ll spend 34 hours in a car, overanalyzing all the decisions I made. And remembering all the best parts and all the insignificant at the same time. And missing the one thing, I shouldn’t have known about in the first place. But I will miss it all just the same.
But don’t feel sorry for me. I’ll be smiling.
And my heart will be beating.
And my hands will be shaking.
Because I loved.
And someday, I will be loved. In this exciting way. In this intense way. And the chemistry will be intoxicating. And everything about it will be new to me all over again. And it will make me both happy and sad at all the right times. And I will be thankful to the one that made me realize that it’s in the universe still.