September 8, 2010 § Leave a comment
I feel like I don’t ever want to stop writing. Not today. Not when everything is so fresh in my mind. Not when I can still pick his skin out of a line-up. Not when I can close my eyes and see his face in such incredible detail.
I know I’m being dramatic, but I want it that way. Today, I want to feel sorry for myself. And I want to imagine different endings. And I want to feel so incredibly
Because eventually, I’m going to
want have to “get over it.”
But not tonight. Tonight I am going to be super lame. And as gay as I can possibly stand.
But tomorrow. Even if I feel like screaming from the rooftops, I am going to
try to keep quiet. I am going to try to be realistic and mature about this. I am going to try to make some sense out of my world. Without him.
But tonight. Before I go to bed. I am going to remember every inch of his face. I am going to remember how his bottom lip sticks out when he talks. I am going to remember his skin. And all his scars. I am going to remember that the skin on his back is raised in certain spots in his tattoo. I am going to remember that his skin is harder in his elbows. And that his hands fit in mine, without hurting my fingers. I am going to remember his voice. His sounds. The way he moves. His laugh.
I am going to remember everything.
And then I am going to
try to stop remembering.
Because my chest feels like shit today. And even a hot shower couldn’t wash his fingerprints down the drain.
But I did answer my own question. I know now that I would rather know how I felt. And not be able to do anything about it. Rather than be unaware that I had this in me still.
<3! So thankful. So I L.