September 20, 2010 § Leave a comment
It seems so strange to me that I was such a bummer of a person, just a few short months ago. Sadness seems like such a foreign feeling to me at the moment. Right now, the rose petal glasses are firmly attached to my face. And occasionally my thoughts nauseate even me. But I have to remember, that this is a good thing. Happiness is good.
No matter how fucked certain situations are.
And last night a boy kissed me in a dark parking lot. With the world in his pocket. No ulterior motives. No future plans. Just kissed me with his eyes closed. Told me that I was pretty. Walked me to my car. And said goodnight.
I forgot what that was like. Because the week before I came home, my past came crawling out from the shadows. Probably expecting me to run blindly back into what we left behind. Because I cried when we broke up and freaked out a
little LOT. And I’m sure that he figured that my heart was still his for the taking. That I couldn’t possibly get over him. But I had to. I had to open myself up to the possibility that someone could actually love me. Me, the mess of a girl (woman).
And two more old friends came back to tell me that they forgave me for mistakes I already forgave myself for. And it made me realize that I am a forgiving person. Loyal to a fault. But I make horrible mistakes sometimes. I do things that are bad for me. But I don’t regret anything. Ever. Because what’s the point of living if you can’t learn? Most importantly from yourself. What’s the point of living if you can’t go a little crazy once in a while?
Those things are not necessarily bad traits to possess.
Because those very things made me such a better human to have around. Less judgmental. More real.
And I feel so happy lately I could run around this town and hug strangers. But I won’t. I can’t.
And my horoscope is so amazing this week…
CAPRICORN: You are at a point where whatever you’ve been called to release into the past is ready to go. For a while, letting it go will make you feel torn about where your life needs to remain focused. New things have come about and you’re ready to go after them. The old stuff seems to be more like an anchor, or a crutch, and the only thing that keeps you tending to it is guilt or the belief that it’s still your job to handle it. Whoever or whatever you’ve been nurturing all these years doesn’t need you anymore — not as much anyway. Set yourself free. It’s time to move on with your life.
Things making me Happy lately…
Kitten stalkers. Feelings puh-retty. White trash karaoke. Old friends. Pug/kitten wars. Ranch dressing. Saved voicemails. From Here to Eternity. My stories. Stefen Salvatore. Mother/Father dinner time. Welcome home presents. Bike rides. Fall. Pulling out the bat purse. My own bed. Textlove. John Shea’s selective dementia. Bird friends. “Well you’re really pretty.”
And just the overpowering feeling to Squeeeeeakeeeeeeeek.
Yeah, I’m a total faggot.