Protected: Selflessness.

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October 19, 2010 § Leave a comment

I have this irrational fear of falling in love. Truly. Of finding somebody who comforts me, but that I am not crazy and passionate about. Of finding someone who is good to me. Someone that I love. When the person that I am supposed to be with, is out in the world, being with their own version of comforting love.

I fear that I will never find someone who makes me crazy in the best of ways. Who takes the bad with the good, and loves me regardless. Who would live and die for me.

At least not again. Not under different circumstances and different times. Not in different lives, where things were possible and open. Where dreams came true. And the girl always got the guy.

I fear.

But I’m not alone.

“And it’s not like they were ever actually unhappy in the lives they lived
He married Martha, she married Tom
Just this vague notion that something was wrong
A naked absence, a phantom limb
An itch that could never be scratched.”


October 16, 2010 § Leave a comment

I feel a certain kind of hope now, that everything is going to be okay. It has to be. Even if I have to force myself upon it. Even if I have to change the things that I once hoped for.

One week ago (maybe two) a boy bought me a dreamcatcher in the bar, because I never remember my dreams. And when we left, he sat across from me in his car and handed me a comic book. In the front page, he very creatively and sincerely asked me to be his girlfriend. And I took a huge intake of breath. I smiled. And then I accepted. Telling him that I couldn’t have possibly resisted that. That I couldn’t have possibly resisted him. And I meant it.

And the realization that I was growing up, made me smile the entire way home.

I’m always smiling.

And my friends like him. They tell me that he is good for me. Sweet. Nice looking. Sincere. Small. And that’s the first time in a long time, they have been able to say all of those things about one person. That’s the first time in a long time, that I have been able to say all of those things.

And a lot of times now, I notice his absence. I wish he were here. Or there. Or wherever I might be. Because it’s time I started to know him now. Completely know him.

Because he can know me. He can love me. He can be a part of my life.

He can.

So here’s to hope. A new form of hope. But hope nonetheless.

Where Am I?

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