HJK

November 29, 2010 § Leave a comment

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about responsibility. And the future. And about myself and what I want. Because for as long as I can remember, I have been so horribly concerned with what other people wanted. What other people expected. From me.

And now it’s time to move on from that. To take my life back from everyone that is grabbing for a piece.

And a lot of this self discovery was terrifying. And hard to face. A lot of it was shocking.

But I’m starting to come to terms with the way things are. And the way that things should be. And I’m starting to figure out the difference between being happy and being content in a routine, that I never wanted to be a part of. And the people in my life. The ones that I willingly subject myself to. Are both horrible and perfect, in a mixture that could never make sense. And some of them make me strive to be a better person, while others will stop at nothing to pull me down.

I used to be both kinds of people. I sometimes supported. I sometimes knocked down.

But I’m different now.
More accepting. More forgiving.
Less vindictive. Less shallow.

And I’m so proud of the woman that I have become in such a short amount of time. The kind of woman, that knows the difference between love and lust. That has the ability to own every mistake she has made. That can put an end to the self destruction, and pull herself up out of the rubble.

I’m proud.

And I’m figuring out new ways to appreciate myself. To love myself.

And I’m free to be happy. And sad. And inspiring. And lovely. And ugly. And crazy. And creative.

I’m free to be me.

Can’t stop. Won’t stop.

Happy.

November 14, 2010 § Leave a comment

Since I refuse to be anything less than happy lately. Here is the list…

For today.

Snuggly kittens. Floppy pugs. Cory/Aubrei/Shannon hangs. Double cheeseburgers. Not crying. Jeanette Winterson. Love texts from the best friend. Dresses. Luna. Southall hilarity. Plans. Journal-ing. Mommy e-mails. Long nails.

Etc.

Etc.

Etc.

Eh, Eff it.

November 14, 2010 § Leave a comment

I love crying. It’s one of the most perfect forms of release for me. The most perfect forms of vulnerability.

But I wouldn’t allow myself to cry tonight when he broke up with me over text. Even though I wanted to.

Instead I laughed at the predictability. At the immaturity. And I called my friend so that he could tell me that he sucks. Because I knew he would.

But for a second there. I did want to cry.

Not because he broke up with me. No, I saw that all along.

But because I wasn’t even important enough.

Just some things

November 13, 2010 § Leave a comment

that are making me happy this week:

Two new Jeanette Winterson books. Crazy amounts of work. Private journaling. Buying birthday presents for the original best friend. Visiting Dunk at the White (trash) Rhino. Fried pickles. Band name game. Copper mug. Skeleton piggy bank for baby Reynolds. Pizza. Painting. Snoring pug. Empty house. Stories. Halloween pictures (tiny hats). Surprises. Always laughing. FHTE. Making plans to be a better human. Making a bunch of money. Christmas lists. Good weather. Blogging. Friends. Family. Love. Life.

Etc.

I refuse to allow anything to make me mad/sad.

“Everything was beautiful. And nothing hurt.” -Vonnegut

L.O.V.E.

November 12, 2010 § Leave a comment

I’m not sure if I would ever be able to define love. Or explain how it feels, in a way that would do it justice. But for a long time, I didn’t believe that true love was anything less that storybook perfection. But I was wrong.

I have always been wrong.

Because in real life, people don’t give everything up for each other. People don’t take enough chances. Or they don’t take any at all. In real life, people give up too easily. As if they are convinced that they will have another life, to do it all over.

We only have one life. And it’s too short.

And even when I found what appeared to be true passionate love…it didn’t mean that I got to keep it. Or that I should have been naive enough to believe that I deserved it. That I should have been naive enough to believe in any of it.

Because to be completely honest, people are cowards. They stay in relationships for the comfort and the routine. Too worried about hurting someone’s feelings. Or overturning their cookie cutter lifestyle.

In real life, people don’t walk into the middle of wedding ceremonies and profess their love. They don’t go down in flames trying to get back to love. They don’t drink the poison drink to die for love.

They just don’t.

None of this happens.

And I figured this out a long time ago. I figured this out the time that I moved out of my house. My own routine. When I moved away from my comfort to chase the musician with the hidden heart. When I chose to leave behind everything that should have made me happy, for some passion and a very misguided “I’m in love with you.”

When I took my whole world and somebody else’s and let it come crashing down all around us, for love. That’s when I figured it out.

Because when it comes down to it, I am going to die believing in the romances I read about in books. The romances I watch in movies. That I occasionally, am so humbled to see in real life.

Because if I stop believing in that, even for a second, I will become one of those cowards. Those people who will eventually wake up next to someone, and realize they are absolutely dead inside. And it will be too late.

I can’t allow that. Because allowing that, would mean giving up.

Throwing it all away.

And eventually, when I’m being smothered by the mediocrity of this life, someone will love me.

Someone will fight for me.

Someone will choose the girl.

Someone will mean it.

It’s just too bad it could have never been Him.
But I understand.

“I say I’m in love with her, what does that mean? It means I review my future and my past in the light of this feeling. It is as though I wrote in a foreign language that I am suddenly able to read. Wordlessly she explains me to myself; like a genius she is ignorant of what she does.” -Jeanette Winterson

Normal Life.

November 7, 2010 § Leave a comment

I noticed that I haven’t been writing about much else, besides him. So in an attempt to sound like less of a lovesick little girl, I am going to discuss the other things that are making my life complete lately.

From Here to Eternity has officially grabbed me up and swept me away. For a book that I had never intended to read, or know about, I have fallen in love. With all the characters. With the love. And the struggles.

I have been painting again. Things for friends. I feel so creative and happy when I’m zoning out.

I have been working. A lot. And making that money, to pull myself out of the debt I accumulated in LA. And I’m happy in my mediocre job for the moment.

Smashers and Justin moved to Chicago and left me without favorites, but at least now I have an excuse close by, to leave this town behind for a while. Because most days I wish I never moved back from LA. That I was away with one person who really really knew me and a few new people. I will probably always wish…

See, such a normal life. With day to day routine. And a full heart.

Other things making me Happy lately:

Pug baths. En route picture mail. Daydreams. Hitting John in the face with my fish. From Here to Eternity. Burning Love Burgers. Good shifts. Christmas Lists. Sisters pictures. Birthsgiving. Texttexttext. Love. Life. Good friends. Pug snores. Obsessive kittens. Small human. Yok Yok.

It’s been a long time, since I’ve been so content.
Happy even.

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