December 20, 2010 § Leave a comment
December 15, 2010 Enter your password to view comments.
December 14, 2010 § Leave a comment
I’d been dodging that black storm cloud for a few days. Hiding away at work, where things were busy and structured. Where I didn’t have much time to think about things beyond the front doors. And that worked out well.
But I always had to go home. Where it was quiet. Where I couldn’t stop writing, because I was terrified of what that might mean. Because I was terrified that I would forget.
Even if that’s what I wanted.
And I started writing letters. Ones that would never see the outside of my journal. But they made me feel better. Like I was being heard. And considered.
Like I had options.
And then yesterday, I decided that I didn’t want to run anymore. I didn’t want to feel like I had to. So I stopped. And a funny thing happened.
That black storm cloud passed me by.
So I guess it’s true, that I am stronger now. More capable of self preservation.
That I have (dare I say) grown up.
Because you won’t see me crying over what could have been. Or what could have never been. And you’ll never see me screaming out “woe is me” for things that I have done to myself. It’s not worth it anymore.
I was content being so incredibly happy. I want it to stay. So it will. And this time, it won’t be because of someone else. It will be because of me.
And just because nobody ever chooses me. Or fights for me. Doesn’t mean that I should stop fighting for myself.
Maybe I’m just supposed to be alone.
Things making me happy
The very rushed FHTE movie. Into the Woods witch lady. Writing writing writing. Best friends making me realize that shit isn’t that serious. Christmas next week! Birthday next week! Making that money. Sanrio watches. Laughing. The Pogues. City and colour. Cutest tattoo idea ever. Staying home at 3am. A niece on the way. Winter hats.
December 9, 2010 § Leave a comment
I feel so depressing today. As though I wasn’t aware of the inevitability of my choices, before this very moment. And a lot of this feeling, has to do with the decisions I made for myself this summer. A lot of this has to do with the disappointment I feel in myself. For being the type of person who takes what she wants, with no regard to the destruction that it would cause.
And it took me longer than it should have, to realize the extent of what I had done. To own it. To feel remorse. But now, after all the damage has been done, I can finally look at it all through a different set of eyes. And even though she is oblivious to the total devastation she should be feeling, and even though he will stay with her forever, I had a hand in making her life a lie. And I’m sorry now. So sorry.
And I hate myself for allowing all of it to happen, but more so, for loving him. For wanting him enough to be made weak. And for making him love me too. Because I didn’t mean it. Any of it.
I ran away when he tried to kiss me. When I kissed him back. But I came back to him. I didn’t continue running away. And that’s where it all went horribly wrong. Where I chose to willingly and naively break all of our hearts.
But not anymore.
I will quit him. Like he were the most addicting of drugs. Because in a way, he is exactly that. Something I never should have tried in the first place.
And today, when my heart felt like it was finally ready, I set it into motion. Explained that I had to. And said goodbye. To him. But mostly to “us”. That unobtainable idea that I have secretly clung to, since the summer. Since before that awkward moment in that parking lot even (if I’m being honest). And when I clicked “yes” when my phone asked me if I was sure I wanted to delete him, I wanted to cry. To feel sorry for myself. But not tonight.
Tonight I will blink the tears out of my eyes. I will call a friend, and attempt to leave the house. And possibly vent about all of this, until it starts to sound silly. Even to me.
And hopefully, I will start to feel better. About all of this. About myself.
Because I used to be such a beautiful girl. So sweet. Trusting. Loyal. And now, I’m ugly. Horrible.
The time to change is now.
Here’s to officially giving up on that childish idea I had that Love was enough. That all you needed was Love. Because the truth is, we’re all cowards.