Moment of Truth

December 9, 2010 § Leave a comment

I feel so depressing today. As though I wasn’t aware of the inevitability of my choices, before this very moment. And a lot of this feeling, has to do with the decisions I made for myself this summer. A lot of this has to do with the disappointment I feel in myself. For being the type of person who takes what she wants, with no regard to the destruction that it would cause.

And it took me longer than it should have, to realize the extent of what I had done. To own it. To feel remorse. But now, after all the damage has been done, I can finally look at it all through a different set of eyes. And even though she is oblivious to the total devastation she should be feeling, and even though he will stay with her forever, I had a hand in making her life a lie. And I’m sorry now. So sorry.

And I hate myself for allowing all of it to happen, but more so, for loving him. For wanting him enough to be made weak. And for making him love me too. Because I didn’t mean it. Any of it.

I ran away when he tried to kiss me. When I kissed him back. But I came back to him. I didn’t continue running away. And that’s where it all went horribly wrong. Where I chose to willingly and naively break all of our hearts.

But not anymore.

I will quit him. Like he were the most addicting of drugs. Because in a way, he is exactly that. Something I never should have tried in the first place.

And today, when my heart felt like it was finally ready, I set it into motion. Explained that I had to. And said goodbye. To him. But mostly to “us”. That unobtainable idea that I have secretly clung to, since the summer. Since before that awkward moment in that parking lot even (if I’m being honest). And when I clicked “yes” when my phone asked me if I was sure I wanted to delete him, I wanted to cry. To feel sorry for myself. But not tonight.

Tonight I will blink the tears out of my eyes. I will call a friend, and attempt to leave the house. And possibly vent about all of this, until it starts to sound silly. Even to me.

And hopefully, I will start to feel better. About all of this. About myself.

Because I used to be such a beautiful girl. So sweet. Trusting. Loyal. And now, I’m ugly. Horrible.

The time to change is now.

Here’s to officially giving up on that childish idea I had that Love was enough. That all you needed was Love. Because the truth is, we’re all cowards.

And it’s horribly sad.

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