“And Oh, it may sound strange, but I wish it would rain”
December 14, 2010 § Leave a comment
I’d been dodging that black storm cloud for a few days. Hiding away at work, where things were busy and structured. Where I didn’t have much time to think about things beyond the front doors. And that worked out well.
But I always had to go home. Where it was quiet. Where I couldn’t stop writing, because I was terrified of what that might mean. Because I was terrified that I would forget.
Even if that’s what I wanted.
And I started writing letters. Ones that would never see the outside of my journal. But they made me feel better. Like I was being heard. And considered.
Like I had options.
And then yesterday, I decided that I didn’t want to run anymore. I didn’t want to feel like I had to. So I stopped. And a funny thing happened.
That black storm cloud passed me by.
So I guess it’s true, that I am stronger now. More capable of self preservation.
That I have (dare I say) grown up.
Because you won’t see me crying over what could have been. Or what could have never been. And you’ll never see me screaming out “woe is me” for things that I have done to myself. It’s not worth it anymore.
I was content being so incredibly happy. I want it to stay. So it will. And this time, it won’t be because of someone else. It will be because of me.
And just because nobody ever chooses me. Or fights for me. Doesn’t mean that I should stop fighting for myself.
Maybe I’m just supposed to be alone.
Things making me happy
The very rushed FHTE movie. Into the Woods witch lady. Writing writing writing. Best friends making me realize that shit isn’t that serious. Christmas next week! Birthday next week! Making that money. Sanrio watches. Laughing. The Pogues. City and colour. Cutest tattoo idea ever. Staying home at 3am. A niece on the way. Winter hats.