January 28, 2011 § Leave a comment
Today is one of those days, where my period is threatening to emerge at any moment, and I am emotional about everything I see. Over sensitive. And on the verge of crying over the most trivial of things.
But I’m not sad.
So this overflowing emotion, is kind of beautiful. In a way that only wanting to cry (without the bending and breaking of a heart), can be beautiful.
And I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about the beginning of last year. Where everything was so serious and life altering. Where I convinced myself that everything was unpleasant. Where I allowed that to be okay. And it seems so funny now. That I acted that way. That I didn’t fix it.
But I’m so thankful for moving on. For finding happiness and keeping it. For not relying on anyone else to give it to me. For being alone. And staying alone (sorry JM, you don’t count). And loving. And giving up. And living. And making decisions for myself.
For all of it.
And the truth is, I’m not so bad to be around. When I’m not being pathetically dramatic.
Even now, when everything is making me want to cry.
Because I’m smiling. Constantly smiling.
January 26, 2011 § Leave a comment
Today I am happy because of these things:
Bruno snores. Stalker kitten. Nick’s wooing attempts. Jackie Sauer ❤ (hey grrl). John Shea being an idiot as per usual. Mini-Christmas just for me. Weeds. Always laughing. Meatballs and barbecue wraps. HK. Sleeping in. TextTextText. 2% milk. Tootsie Rolls. GH. Personal emoticons. New pumps shipped.
And I would like to say, that it doesn’t really matter what anyone says. Because I am young and in love. And everything is beautiful.
January 25, 2011 § Leave a comment
Some people are so disappointing. And predictable to a point where it becomes pathetic. But I did promise myself that I would do some giving up this year.
So I guess I’m proud of myself. For taking control. For telling him that he’s a psycho. For telling him to never contact me ever again. For meaning it.
And it’s okay. Because I won’t miss him.
I never do.
Because nobody misses a liar.
Things making me happyyyy:
Weeds. Sonny and Cher karaoke. Scotty. John Shea. Black hair. Long hair. Blogging again. Danny Tanner. Love texts. Winter hats. Target. Online shopping. New Steve Madden pumps. Two days off in a row. Bruno diapers. GH. New 90210. Little meows. 5 weeks! Carnaby dress on the wayyyy. Regina Spektor. Reeses hearts. Being called a disloyal fuck. ❤
But mostly :<
January 23, 2011 § Leave a comment
Before tonight, I was secretly worried about committing myself to beauty school. Terrified of taking a year (or year and a half) and just focusing on one goal.
Because then I won’t be able to travel. I won’t be able to stop, even for one minute, to catch my breath.
My days will be filled with work then class. Class then work. Repeat.
And I was scared.
But tonight, I was waiting on the white trash of America, like I do every Saturday night. And it dawned on me. That I am better than this.
And I need some form of creative outlet in my life. Not just making burgers out of construction paper for boards that none of us read. Not just teaching young kids how to properly refill a cup of coffee.
And that realization was exactly what I needed. To own this. To not be afraid.
So for one year (or year and a half) I am going to work on moving out of glorified fast food. And into the real world.
And I won’t be scared.
I can always travel and breathe and write and draw and paint and live…in 2013.
…and I bet people aren’t often rude to their hairdressers.
January 22, 2011 § Leave a comment
I’m going to attempt to write more. To be more vocal with my thoughts. Because if I am ever going to write my book someday, I need to be confident in my writing. In my words.
So my project is to write every day. Even if there isn’t much to report. Even if all I have to offer you, are a list of things that are making me happy. And we’ll see where that leads.
I’ve never been a very good blogger. But it’s time for a change.
So here goes nothing…
I have some really funny and beautiful people in my life, that constantly inspire me to be a better human. That make me believe the the seemingly unobtainable, could someday be mine. That anything is possible.
And when things aren’t perfect, it’s the little things that keep me sane. That keep me happy.
And I am so happy lately, that it seems crazy to believe that this was sometimes not the way things were. That I was subjecting myself to parasitic people. Willingly bringing them into my life. Inviting them to stay around.
But no, not anymore.
Not now, when things are so seemingly in place.
Things making me happy:
hamtramck polish plate. always laughing. work friends. online shopping. old people dates with jeffie. giving up on people. researching beauty schools. sleeping in. john shea. march. love texts. bruno and tegan. little plastic monkeys. blogging again. itunes top 25 played. the little things. old 90210. gh. successfully using “don’t get it twisted” and “triflin” in sentences. sylvia plath. love. life.
January 20, 2011 § Leave a comment
I’ve been reading the journals of Sylvia Plath lately. And I find myself being so jealous of the way that her mind worked. Of the words that flowed out of her and made such beautiful sentences. So maybe it’s true. That people have to be sick or depressed or angry, to make anything worthwhile in this life. To make art.
Maybe you have to shock people.
You certainly have to inspire them.
So that’s what I will do instead. I will stop worrying about my own versions of art. I will inspire other people to read and write. I will be someones muse.
And that will be enough. Until I find my voice again. Until I find myself on the proverbial edge, and the only thing that will bring me down, is a piece of paper. A pen.
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