May 24, 2011 Enter your password to view comments.
May 13, 2011 § Leave a comment
I made a really important decision for myself today. One that I have been obsessing over for longer than just tonight. And I feel like I am so happy and content in this decision, that it must be right. And everything will work out. It has to work out.
But with this decision came all these other thoughts. The same ones that I force into the background of my brain all the time.
I asked my sister if I would be Reygan’s Godmother and she replied, without hesitation. No. Because God forbid, something happen to them, and she get stuck with me. God forbid, she end up like me.
And they can try to justify this decision and make these excuses, but I get it.
And my mother lives ten minutes down the street, but I get an e-mail once a month when my insurance money is due, telling me that she will come visit me at work and pick it up.
And my father can’t help me move because he spent all his money helping my sister do what she wants. What I want, is always too immature for him. It’s always the wrong decision. I’ll “regret it all” someday.
He just knows it.
But the most mature thing I have ever done, is wait. Wait for the perfect moment. The perfect time. Never settling. Always moving and changing and creating.
And now it’s time to go.
And they’ll probably cry when I drive away. I probably will too.
But we’ll all be better off. Because these things always come back to me. And it’s just too horribly sad to watch.
May 10, 2011 § Leave a comment
I haven’t been a very good blogger lately. With happiness comes silence, I suppose. And I guess it’s always been that way. But then I have to remind myself that these are the times that I WANT to remember. Not the days of shitty dudes and bad decisions.
And today, Charles asked me why I don’t write that much. If what I had to say would hurt his feelings, and that’s why I choose to keep quiet. But that’s not the case at all.
I guess the truth is, I’ve been so happy lately, that I’m slightly terrified that it will all go away.
I’ve never been so happy in regards to another human in my entire life. And with that, I am choosing to take this risk that he won’t leave me behind. That eventually he will decide that he can’t live without me. That he will physically NEED to be with me.
Because for now, most of the thoughts in my head seem so crazy. He has no obligation to me, so why do I feel like I can put so much trust in him? Why do I believe that he won’t find anyone more perfect than me?
My logical mind tries so hard to make sense of these things.
Because things happen that illogically bum me out. Like today, when he told me that he went on a date. And even though I expected that to happen eventually, it still caught me off guard. It still made me feel weird.
As if I have any ties to him. Any say.
And maybe that’s why I keep quiet. Because he doesn’t need to know that this doesn’t really make sense to me. And that I’ve never experienced these intense emotions that make me want to do crazy, albeit lovely things. Just to be around him. Just to be a little bit closer.
Ane he doesn’t need to know that I worry that two years is too long to be away.
He doesn’t need to know that when I get dramatic and apologize for it in the morning, it doesn’t take back the fact that I mean everything I say. That I feel everything I say. And that it’s possible for me to understand and believe in all his decisions, but not believe in them for me.
He doesn’t need to know that I can’t even make sense of it all.
So I keep quiet.
But since I know that I love him, I’d tell him everything he wants to know.
May 4, 2011 § Leave a comment
Here we go again. Day one of the period, where I am so incredibly sad and withdrawn that it’s slightly terrifying. And although I know that my hormones are in control here, I hate it.
But every month, it comes back to hang around for a little while. Every month, for one day, I cry for no real reason. And think too much about things that need to be left alone. And overanalyze every decision I have made.
So why does it feel like it sneaks up on me every time? Why do I get so worried?
But this time, I only wanted the answer to one simple question. I won’t ask again. I gave it it’s one day of wonder. I won’t worry about it again.
It must not have been important enough. Even though, it was really important to me.
So tonight I will let myself feel my heart break. And I will cry until I fall asleep.
Because when I wake up, I will feel brand new.
This shit happens every month.
May 2, 2011 § Leave a comment
Oh hai Love,
I never used to believe in you. Or perhaps your existence was more than I could fathom. And accepting that I couldn’t possibly have it, became okay with me. You can’t get hurt if you don’t believe.
But eventually I let my guards down a little. Opened my mind. And I started to believe that somewhere out there, you were waiting for me to fall. Into you. But I still hid. I still ran when I saw you lurking around. And not because I didn’t want you.
I always wanted you.
I just had to believe that if I was going to accept that you could be, then I had to accept only the purest form of you. I couldn’t believe in the dreaded honeymoon phase. There had to be more. And I couldn’t believe that you lived in more than one perfect human.
And I had to begrudgingly believe that my perfect human would take down all the protective walls I built. Brick by brick. Until it crumbled all around me and I was completely naked. Exposed. Vulnerable.
And eventually, everything I chose to believe and wish for, became true to me. And I found that one perfect human that would seemingly complete my life. Randomly and so luckily. And I woke up vulnerable, exposed, and
dare I say in love.
I found you, Love. And I feel you inside of me and on my skin. I feel you in the air. And I feel lucky to have met you.
I’m sorry I’ve been dodging you all these years.
So I’ve been all black cloudy for a few days. Quiet. More furrowed brow, less laughing. And I won’t blame in on anything. Or anyone. Because that takes all of this power that I have over myself, and gives it away. And to be honest, I just recently found out that I had it.
So I’d like to keep it around.
But I won’t deny the fact that I’m annoyed. And slightly sad. And silently stewing.
I won’t deny the fact that people and things have some control over some of my emotions. Unfortunately.
But I have to make some big decisions. It’s way past time. And I have to learn how to not settle for things. I have to learn to fight harder or carry on.
Whatever that decision turns out to be.
Because I promised myself not to sit under the storm cloud anymore, getting soaking wet.
I did promise to be true to myself.
To be respected and appreciated and loved.
I did promise that much.