May 2, 2011 § Leave a comment
Oh hai Love,
I never used to believe in you. Or perhaps your existence was more than I could fathom. And accepting that I couldn’t possibly have it, became okay with me. You can’t get hurt if you don’t believe.
But eventually I let my guards down a little. Opened my mind. And I started to believe that somewhere out there, you were waiting for me to fall. Into you. But I still hid. I still ran when I saw you lurking around. And not because I didn’t want you.
I always wanted you.
I just had to believe that if I was going to accept that you could be, then I had to accept only the purest form of you. I couldn’t believe in the dreaded honeymoon phase. There had to be more. And I couldn’t believe that you lived in more than one perfect human.
And I had to begrudgingly believe that my perfect human would take down all the protective walls I built. Brick by brick. Until it crumbled all around me and I was completely naked. Exposed. Vulnerable.
And eventually, everything I chose to believe and wish for, became true to me. And I found that one perfect human that would seemingly complete my life. Randomly and so luckily. And I woke up vulnerable, exposed, and
dare I say in love.
I found you, Love. And I feel you inside of me and on my skin. I feel you in the air. And I feel lucky to have met you.
I’m sorry I’ve been dodging you all these years.
So I’ve been all black cloudy for a few days. Quiet. More furrowed brow, less laughing. And I won’t blame in on anything. Or anyone. Because that takes all of this power that I have over myself, and gives it away. And to be honest, I just recently found out that I had it.
So I’d like to keep it around.
But I won’t deny the fact that I’m annoyed. And slightly sad. And silently stewing.
I won’t deny the fact that people and things have some control over some of my emotions. Unfortunately.
But I have to make some big decisions. It’s way past time. And I have to learn how to not settle for things. I have to learn to fight harder or carry on.
Whatever that decision turns out to be.
Because I promised myself not to sit under the storm cloud anymore, getting soaking wet.
I did promise to be true to myself.
To be respected and appreciated and loved.
I did promise that much.