May 10, 2011 § Leave a comment
I haven’t been a very good blogger lately. With happiness comes silence, I suppose. And I guess it’s always been that way. But then I have to remind myself that these are the times that I WANT to remember. Not the days of shitty dudes and bad decisions.
And today, Charles asked me why I don’t write that much. If what I had to say would hurt his feelings, and that’s why I choose to keep quiet. But that’s not the case at all.
I guess the truth is, I’ve been so happy lately, that I’m slightly terrified that it will all go away.
I’ve never been so happy in regards to another human in my entire life. And with that, I am choosing to take this risk that he won’t leave me behind. That eventually he will decide that he can’t live without me. That he will physically NEED to be with me.
Because for now, most of the thoughts in my head seem so crazy. He has no obligation to me, so why do I feel like I can put so much trust in him? Why do I believe that he won’t find anyone more perfect than me?
My logical mind tries so hard to make sense of these things.
Because things happen that illogically bum me out. Like today, when he told me that he went on a date. And even though I expected that to happen eventually, it still caught me off guard. It still made me feel weird.
As if I have any ties to him. Any say.
And maybe that’s why I keep quiet. Because he doesn’t need to know that this doesn’t really make sense to me. And that I’ve never experienced these intense emotions that make me want to do crazy, albeit lovely things. Just to be around him. Just to be a little bit closer.
Ane he doesn’t need to know that I worry that two years is too long to be away.
He doesn’t need to know that when I get dramatic and apologize for it in the morning, it doesn’t take back the fact that I mean everything I say. That I feel everything I say. And that it’s possible for me to understand and believe in all his decisions, but not believe in them for me.
He doesn’t need to know that I can’t even make sense of it all.
So I keep quiet.
But since I know that I love him, I’d tell him everything he wants to know.