May 13, 2011 § Leave a comment
I made a really important decision for myself today. One that I have been obsessing over for longer than just tonight. And I feel like I am so happy and content in this decision, that it must be right. And everything will work out. It has to work out.
But with this decision came all these other thoughts. The same ones that I force into the background of my brain all the time.
I asked my sister if I would be Reygan’s Godmother and she replied, without hesitation. No. Because God forbid, something happen to them, and she get stuck with me. God forbid, she end up like me.
And they can try to justify this decision and make these excuses, but I get it.
And my mother lives ten minutes down the street, but I get an e-mail once a month when my insurance money is due, telling me that she will come visit me at work and pick it up.
And my father can’t help me move because he spent all his money helping my sister do what she wants. What I want, is always too immature for him. It’s always the wrong decision. I’ll “regret it all” someday.
He just knows it.
But the most mature thing I have ever done, is wait. Wait for the perfect moment. The perfect time. Never settling. Always moving and changing and creating.
And now it’s time to go.
And they’ll probably cry when I drive away. I probably will too.
But we’ll all be better off. Because these things always come back to me. And it’s just too horribly sad to watch.