January 23, 2012 § Leave a comment
I feel happy.
I feel comfortable and at ease.
I feel different.
And for possibly, one of the first times in my life, I feel like everything is falling into place. Like this is where I am supposed to be, and this is what I’m supposed to be doing.
Falling in love every day.
And I feel so blessed. To know that I love and that I am loved. To know that I have a family now, that is separate from the one that I was given. To know that I am finally happy.
I am lucky.
I am thankful.
I am deserving.
January 14, 2012 § Leave a comment
In 2011, I stopped trying to bend and manipulate myself into these molds that people were making for me. With that, came some heart break, some fear, and some self exploration. Oh, and some disappointments. Because I suppose that making myself into the kind of person that I wanted to become, meant having certain expectations for the people around me. Meant believing that I was surrounding myself with the most positive of people. The kind of people that would treat me the way that I became so deserving of.
But things never work out that way. You love people so much that making excuses for them, becomes second nature. And there comes a point when you don’t even realize that you are doing that, at all. When your heart disconnects from your mind, and you’re left oblivious of the way that you truly feel.
I’ve felt betrayed. I’ve felt heart break that follows me around the world. I’ve felt worried that I wasn’t enough for someone else.
That I wasn’t good enough.
But then I started looking around. At the way that I make people feel. At the lies that I refuse to tell, and the love that I so easily give away. And I realized that it doesn’t really matter what other people think. Because I look at myself in the mirror every single day, and I see such a beautiful woman. No longer a scared, unimportant, little girl. A woman. And she is the best person that I could ever have hoped to become.
I’m proud of who I am. I’m deliriously happy with the things that I am going to accomplish. And I don’t need anything else. Because eventually, the people in your life, stop trying to impress you. They forget about the romance. They forget about what made you fall in love with them, as a person, in the first place. Eventually, they become resigned in the fact that you will love them.
And being the person that I am, I will love them. I will believe in them. I will support them and show them everything I see.
That is what makes me so beautiful.
That is what keeps me alive.
January 1, 2012 § Leave a comment
I don’t regret anything about 2011. I don’t believe in regrets. But this year did teach me to be so thankful to the people that stuck around. And to be appreciative to all the love and opportunity that has been given to me. And although sometimes I wish I would have been better to people in my past, if I were, maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here today. At this computer. So many miles away from everything I know.
And I’m so amazed at the ways that I’ve changed this year. At the things that I’ve forgiven and for the things that I’ve been forgiven for. Which I think have shaped me into the kind of woman that I have always wanted to be.
The beauty and the chaos were everything I have ever wanted. And I got them. And now things are able to slow down. I am able to slow down.
I am able to trust and love and be loved. I am able to live.
2011 made me stronger and more self aware. It taught me to fight for what I want, and to never accept less than that. It taught me to be good to myself and the people that deserve the same from me. It taught me to apologize for bad behavior, but to never apologize for being me.
It taught me to become the kind of person that can be counted on. Loyal and deserving. Kind and trusting.
2011 made me happy.
2011 gave me awful truths and beautiful lies. But it gave me love.
And I couldn’t be happier with the place that I am at right now. With the people that are surrounding me.
I am so lucky.
Let’s see what you got, 2012.